Here it is again. The pit in my stomach. The feelings of nausea. She goes on her rampages with Luis, yelling with the most hateful, awful tone and being the victim of EVERYTHING.
I don’t do well with angry people in my home. I mean, even if I can just hear them, that’s too much. It’s my HOME. Well, it’s their home, actually. Which is why I need a new home. Stat!
It’s so intense being here though. Hearing that tone, that venomous, hateful, awful tone…it brings up childhood memories and feelings of fear. My chest gets tight. My stomach knots up. I feel like I’m literally going to throw up.
I can’t be around it. I hate it. It’s awful.
I have realized that I don’t actually trust her, feel close to her or… like her as a person, really. She’s someone to be kept at arms length. She’s not honest about who she is, and she’s… I don’t know, she’s really not a good friend and I haven’t seen her be one to anyone. I mean, I knew that before, but I guess I needed to learn it again.
I don’t want to be here anymore. I can’t be around it.
11:11pm. Make a Wish!
My wish is to be surrounded by beautiful, kind, honest, real people. People who are open minded and curious. Artists. Nature Lovers. Seekers. The people in this house are NOT seekers. They aren’t trying to better themselves in any way, nor are they trying to pretend that they are. Well, Amber talks about doing it, but never does it. They don’t share anything interesting anymore. It’s the same stuff, all the time. Their life revolves around being high every day and buying themselves stuff.
It’s so … I want to say stupid, but really it’s immature and selfish. I mean, we all have egos, but don’t go buying yourself a $100 cbd pen, leggings and a bracelet - if you don’t always have toilet paper, pay the water bill and feed your children.
I can’t take it. Everything I see is starting to really upset me and I don’t want to be a part of it. I don’t want to be around it anymore.
I know it’s time for a new life.
I know a new life is coming. It’s being orchestrated in the spirit world as we speak. I can feel it. Magic is coming.
This - living here, with my old friends - it was important. I knew when it was time to live with them and now I know that it is time to leave.
I’m glad I have clarity on my relationships with them going forward.
But you know what? It’s not about them.
It’s about me.
It’s about contrast.
Ooooooh-wwwwwweeeee! This is some fucking contrast!
I know what I’m looking for in roommates as I go forward.
Community-minded. Everyone pitches in, takes responsibility for themselves and is a team player. We’re all sustainably minded. By that I mean, turn the lights off when you leave a room (or at least when you go to bed, geesh), being mindful of water usage and the amount of pure trash we each create.
I’m not trying to be ‘hip’ and environmental. I was raised this way. Being mindful of energy usage, trash, recycling, reusing the Ball Cans after canning. I don’t know, I truly do not think about turning lights off, reusing things, and recycling. It’s just a way of life.
It’s honestly not something I think about - until I moved here and saw the exact opposite.
Being here really brought that out in me. My love for being in the kitchen, of cooking and sharing food (here I’m the only one), and creating a warm home.
My love of creating home.
This is a beautiful home, but it’s not a HOME.
Refusal to pay bills on time, or to even share when the bills are due. I mean immaturity out the whazoo! Making fun of me for recycling or being mindful of turning lights off. They are the most trashiest people I’ve ever lived with. They were NOT like this in San Francisco.
But you know, back to me. This isn’t about them. It’s about me.
Oh yeah, I was saying that.
This has been the perfect experience of everything I don’t want. So many things I don’t want.
And we know what that is, right?!
A perfect experience for getting REALLY clear on what I DO want.